Day 24: It’s nice to meet you, Morgan.
I can feel myself getting stronger. Since mom left my strength has been exercised in a multitude of ways: emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually... Learned distrust led me to become hyper independent— but you can’t do it alone. In years where I thought that mentality was serving me, it is only now, as my strength is felt in my body and not merit based that my understanding has evolved. I’ve secretly held contempt for myself for succeding in my external battles but being weak in my internal one. “Spare the rod spoil the child?” I think I understand what that means and how it can manifest in adulthood. For all of my life I have considered my self someone who lacks discipline. I’ve been spanked maybe twice my by parents. Morgan gets what she wants. It’s true. At my worse I will stop at nothing to get what I want — even at the expense of myself.
Every sport I ever tried, as soon as it got too hard, I quit. In Middle School after suffering the embarrassment of being being the only girl (and only Black girl in the room) to not make the Volleyball team, as dramatic as it sounds, I never picked up a volleyball again. I have been powerless to my appetites of love and food. In a recent conversation with my girls I revealed that since I first started falling in love at age 15, I have said I was going to marry at least 4 different men. And was as serious about the latter as I was the former. And in those relationships, even though I could sense they were not who God wanted me to be with, I chose to keep eating expired food — until it made me sick. With literal food the battle has been the same. Those who were closest to my mother when she was pregnant with me revealed that she formed her own self-soothing relationship with the drive-thru. I was also a drive-thru kid growing up. My inherited relationship to convenience food, meat and soda has only now in recent years been restructured. But even getting to that point took the loss of my mother (who died of Breast Cancer. I truly believe all cancer can be linked to diet) and the rapid weight gain of myself after her passing. When I think back to the time after she passed I was just self-medicating. Giving myself what I wanted at the expense of my health. The entire summer of 2017 getting a large Coke from Mcdonald’s was a routine. By the holiday time I weighed my heaviest at 255llbs. There is no shame in thickness, I am a thick Black women bred of other thick Black women but this tiny and 5’2 frame was not meant to carry so much weight.
I have always hated my lack of control. It doesn’t look like most would picture at the sound of those words but you know when you’re not doing right by yourself. I will keep at something trying to make it work out until I get sick. Even as symptoms appear, red flags are faved and when my heart of heart of hearts says no, I have still pressed to give myself what I wanted. If that weren’t the case then there would be no way that I willing spent 5 years of my life in an (dare I say) entanglement with my ex. Privately, my unmoderated relationship to weed has led me to be high more days than have been sober in recent years. It is just now in this moment where I have been isolated and forced to get a good look in the mirror that I can clearly see my pattern of behavior. My adjustment period after moving to Milwaukee was a trial by fire. I was just generally unwell. Struggling to adapt emotionally I took to self-medicating. My self-destructive cocktail: chain smoking, trauma porn binging, habitual and mediocre auto-eroticism, bread/carbs/sugar fat/salt/meat. Even though I was giving my body what I wanted to be able to get through I was suffering and to my recent discovery all at my own hand and by my own will.
The first Journal of this journey was titled, “Stepping into Newness”. There was a shift in me right before the New Year. At the last minute I decided to lay it all down before the Lord and SURRENDERED. I could feel myself lost and trapped on the inside. I knew I was squandering this rare opportunity to make Salary pay and have more time off then on. I was high so consistently that it was all beginning to feel like a fever dream. My body suffered greatly. To this day I still sleep on an air mattress. At times it has been unforgiving toward my accident recovering body — but maybe it wouldn’t if you actually did your part by stretching and exercise? I was riding by bike almost daily but when the cold sets in, I stay in. My biggest gripe with myself is that I always know whats the better option for me, what would work to serve me, and I will still do what I want. Being an emotionally driven person in my experience has only made life harder where it was already hard. But the words that kept repeating in my head as I stepped into this year was “Break the cycle today or it will continue tomorrow.” I had to. And y’all, I did.
Twenty-four days into the year and I feel strong. The weakness of fractured willpower is incomparable. Even this Journal is a victory for me. The only things I have be consistent with in my life was pursuit of a man or pursuit of my education. And even with my schooling I didn’t go into wanting to “invest in myself”, there was no other option. My dad told me as a young girl that “he wouldn’t pay for my wedding if I didn’t get a degree.” {There are so many problematic things wrong with that statement, you should sit with it for a moment.} Everything I’ve ever done has been in pursuit of something else but never just for me.
Within these 24 days I have: Successfully gained the power to moderate my smoking habits and have significantly reduced them thus giving space for more productivity. I used to have a La Croix and a piece of deli turkey for breakfast (if anything at all). Now my breakfast is Steel Cut Oats and Green Tea. I have been doing what I know is right. Not compromising for now making promises for later. Doing the best thing for me and for my future self. Recognizing my short comings and loving myself enough to not do what I want but be who I want. I am falling in love with myself and for the first time. Kissing my shoulder because I can and it’s mine to kiss. I love this human suit I’m renting and I want to take care of it.
Doing whats right for you is the next level high.
