Day 28: Untethered.
The Lord giveth and the taketh away?… Or were you just try to make ‘fetch’ happen?
Currently I am undergoing a paradigm shift. Yesteryears clouds are begining to fade and I see clear as day now— for as long as I remember I have been living for the pursuit of love. Which really translates to men. The wild thing is I’m not sure how we got here. Behind me is a trail of ingrates who never knew what they had or how to treat it when they had it. Each one of them taught me something different. With each heart break the healing period is different; looks different, feels different. But only now, this time there is no healing period. There is an awakening period.
God bless my poor sweet heart for being so caught up in the whimsy and just wanting to be loved as much as I gave it. God bless me with someone who is truly worthy. I count 10. Ten sorry so-and-sos that have ran me through the wringer. Ten motherfuckers I let run me through the wringer—the fault is not entirely theirs. You know. You know when it’s not right. When it doesn’t feel right. You know when you’re settling. You know when you’re trying to make it work too hard and you know when it’s not reciprocal. So why waste your time? Why stay so long? Why not run at the first red flag? Why say its pink and turn a blind eye? It only comes back to hurt you when you least expect it. These are the questions I am asking myself.
I fell in love for the first time at 15. I am 25 now. 10 years, 10 men. All a different story. I think I am ready to tell those stories, one by one. I got nothing to lose. Absolutely nothing. I have protected the ones that have hurt me my entire life. Just now I recall when a girl at school in elementary would bully me. She would tell me she hated me. One time she spat on me. I didn’t tell my mom because I didn’t want her to go up to the school. I wonder what told me at such an age that I wasn’t worth putting up a fight for. For the past 10 years I have fought for the chance at true love, but not for my right to receive true love. Not for the love within myself for myself. But for the love in myself to give away. I have always been kind to myself but someone else has always been given the last bite. I have prided myself in being selfless and non-confrontational, I think those attributes have contributed to the peaceful life I lead. But those qualities in combination with a self-love deficiency due to a complete misunderstanding of what that even is… has been poisonous. It’s time to release the poison. I have nothing to lose and all to gain.
I finally feel free. I have no tether to any man, anywhere. My headspace is clear. My heart is open. My Morgan is ready. Ready to receive what was meant for her all along. Ready to reclaim her time, her mind, her peace and her future. I am untethered from the shackle of my own fairytales and tall tales. Desperately trying to turn a frog into a prince. A frog is a frog. A prince is a prince. Clinging to something that doesn’t even exist. This is not hurt talking but reality. We are human. All of us waking up to something new everyday, just going through the motions of life. My name is Morgan, not Meghan. I am no Duchess of Sussex. I will not shame myself for just wanting love but I will pull my own card—cause b.tch you was out here looking GOOFY. However, truthfully I was not raised to harness the love inside of me for myself. To see the value and treasure and rarity of it. I was taught to marry and spend life giving it away. My mother warned me not to take her path, married at 20. And while I may have avoided paperwork I have been wife-minded with majority of the niggas on my shit-list.
But you know what? What a time to have an awakening. I am 25 with my education taken care of settling into my career path. Childless and free. The only cage was in my heart. And in that cage was me, Helga G.Pataki adoring some heart shaped picture of whichever Arnold I attached myself to at the time. The reality of it is sad and the reality of it is the most beautiful part about it. No one took anything from me. I still have all my stuff and nothing extra. There is still plenty more for me to give me. And even better because I’m as wise and as fine as I’ve ever been and theres no down for me from here.
