Day 73: Grace Period.

My life has become one large hack. Every day I'm finding an easier way to do one thing or the next. Discovering which muscles I haven't used as frequently in an effort to try to relieve my hands. Keys get turned with two hands now. Plates get slid off the counter onto the opposite wrist and then picked up from there with both hands. It's really fascinating how one chooses to fight when healing is the goal. I find myself talking to my blood , reminding it that I love them and asking it not to fight me. I whisper sweet things to my wrist into my hands, and I let them know that I will love them no matter what. I kiss them. I remind them, that they aren’t bad, or broken, that there's nothing wrong with them and that we are just under attack. "Please don't fight me", I asked my blood cells. Every day is a search for a more ergonomic way to do something that I've been doing one way forever. When it comes to my journals I fight the feeling of defeat. Knowing that I've broken my streak and the disappointment that comes with letting yourself down. Where is the Grace? Where is the understanding? There is only one person who truly understands and knows exactly what I go through on a daily basis... And even still it's hard for her to accept my reasonings as valid. Typing practically disables me almost instantly. I can feel the fluid rushing to my hands, my joints stiffening and the muscles and tendons in my palms and wrists quickly began to sore and swell. Performing for my job is wildly uncomfortable. Extracurriculars seem more and more out of reach. Part of me feels like these journals alone may have sped up any underlying illness that laid dormant within already. I'm not sure. But I'm clinging for dear life with all the faith in me that this will pass from me and at the very least not stop me from moving and shaking.

You have to keep your spirits high. It's so easy to slip and fall on the inside and be riddled with self-pity. Can't go there… Can't go there. Today I had to have one of my students open up my pill bottle—I'm 25. This is not the reality I envisioned for myself, but at the same time love a good fight. A righteous fight caters to purpose. I'm still waiting for an official diagnosis (or should I say praying against one) and I'm still waiting to see a specialist. But there's something going on, and as soon as I find out what I'm up against war will be waged. I'm already in battle training. Working from the inside out, spirit strengthening is essential. I am my own coach. Just today I started to slip, despair started to over come me.. sitting on a bench watching all the students go by, staring at their hands, watching how they move with ease, how they carry and grip things. Sadness and blues began to creep in. And I told myself.. “Oh no you don't. No you don't. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. You don't cave into the lies. You don't listen to them, those inner thoughts and visuals where my hands are deformed and unusable. I tell myself I know you don't. You fight. You pray. God still sees you. He sees all of us. He's with all of us. There are people who have been sick long long time and he's still with him. So don't you dare, when you get weak you fight. You know how you fight court? You pray. Worship. You speak life. You think life. Those are just the first steps. I will admit that I've worked on my spirit man more than I've worked on my physical. I have such an issue with consistency, which is why I was so proud of myself for pushing through for the first 60 days or so of these journals. But there is still well over 200 something days for me to redeem myself. I can't get myself to do anything on a daily basis. How do I change that? It's up to me to see the value in things that don't have immediate payback. One of those lessons I'm still trying to learn. But in this season, there's never before been a time so necessary for me to extend grace to myself when I need it. There's a lot of different things on my plate and I am the only person who fully understands and I am the only person judging myself. Practicing what I preach, I remind myself it's all a part of the plan —You just keep walking the path.

Affirmation: I refuse to let this stop me. I refuse to let this stop me. I will be healed. I will be functioning. I will not lose my dreams. I will not lose my effectiveness. I will live the life I was meant to live. Thy will be done.