Day 10: Being in love again
I made myself cry today. Stevie Wonder’s, “Never Dreamed You Leave in Summer,” came to visit and with it the scene from Poetic Justice —flashes of her smile when she was with her man before he was murdered to months later when the wounds had scarred over. I couldn’t stop the thoughts from coming. I put me and mine in their place. The thought was so unbearable my hand flew over my heart. Then I thought about how over the holiday I watched my girlfriend have a literal panic attack because her partner didn’t answer the phone for 20 minutes. In the moment I swore she was just being overcome by anxiety and emotion and being dramatic but the more I stared off into space interchanging their bodies with ours, the less control I had over my own. My own feelings worked to validate hers within me and I realized what it was I had seen.The Notebook came to mind next then I began to shuffle all the great love stories that were made so by their tragic nature. Then old people in real life who lose their spouse of 40 years then die 6 months later. My ever-present bliss had been overrun by my rabbit hole of a mind and sunken in sadness to the depths of the love I had for him.
In terms of loses, I took my moms passing like earning a girl scout badge—came, saw, conquered. That had been the hardest loss of my life and “beating it” felt like I had made it through the worse thing that could ever happen. A mother is supposed to go before a child (preferably not as early as mine) but I had yet sit with what it would feel like to lose my person. My PERSON? MY person? — DEVASTATION. Tears couldn’t be stopped. And then, the prayers begin. LoRd PleAse pRoteCt mY mAnN.—quite literally crying over nothing. But at the same time crying over something. My something. The something that I had always wanted and tried to force with the wrong ones for years on end. I got with my ex by performing an ultimatum ritual. PAUSE. Honey listen. If you have to coerce the man then he’s just not for you. His response to my take it or leave it? “I mean I guess we could try it.” — worst part is I got what I wanted.
Eight years later and I had yet to love another at such a depth, until now.. just deeper. Eight years ago my now person was present in my life with my then person. I didn’t look his way and turned the opposite direction when he looked mine. Time grows love like water grows trees— all from a seed.
