Day 11: Pulse Check
Ya’ll. I almost got, got. I almost did. I was just this close. I am 11 days into a venture for which I see no end in sight. On day 2, I discovered a new feature on the Squarespace site, “Analytics”— game changer. There was a shift in me. A shift in the vision. My wheels started turning.. “Great. I’ll be able to track my numbers every day”. Numbers. Fucking numbers. So many are just trying to “Do Numbers”. More. More. More.. It almost got me. The fantasy driving so many of our lives — what could be if I had a huge following? Or if the “right person” saw this. I almost forgot why I started doing this in the first place. I almost forgot my one and only audience—me.
I have had writers block for the past few days. Granted. just yesterday I began teaching for the semester with 3 sections. Nevertheless, writing is me. It was my mom. It’s in our code. I don’t get block because this is my freestyle. This is me in the booth. When I have writers block that tells me that I am forcing it and potentially lacking in authenticity. Being tailored and manipulated by vanity. If I do it for you, then you lose me. And I lose myself trying to figure out which part is me. Trying to fit the role of my own ideation of what will keep you enthralled…All for numbers. I have not made this subtle attempt to succeed the union just to join the ranks of conformity and internalized commercialism. I know my worth and my worth knows me. I am tired of promotions. I wish I could go a day without someone trying to fucking sell me something. Ads everywhere. My God, what is real anymore. If all is done with the intention of personal gain then how will we ever break free.
I swear this tiny piece of real estate in the vast space of web to be my safe space. Consider it my home. So, while I love you with heart and soul, these are not for you, these are for me. I’m just having a dialog with myself, and I am inviting you in. You are welcome, but remember, it’s not your house, it’s mine. If monetization enters the dream dies. Who am I if not my authentic self. How can I be my authentic self if I concern myself with how many site views I get. Yes, I appreciate with everything in me when people are interested in what I have to say (at any capacity), but I don’t want to feel like I am trying to come up with the most evocative things to share everyday with click-baiting titles. All awhile trying to top the day before. It’s too much. I could feel a shift from this being a passion and a privilege to a job. No ma’am. Not I. Not here.
Anyone else sick of the fake shit?
