Day 13: Unwoman
What a word. How do you even define it? Of course the phrase was coined in Margaret Atwood’s, The Handmaids Tale, but the reverberation of the word just transcends so strong. It hit a spot in my own shame that I once carried — being born “barren”. | Pause. | (I use quotation marks with intention. I claim no such thing, “my diagnoses’” are just mere words from the mouth of a white man with no real power.) My ovaries are small, I’ve been told. Whether or not I have eggs, they’ve questioned. Only time will tell..
I do not have a period. She never came for me. I thought I got it once growing up. I saw the faintest few drops of what I thought was blood. I called my mother and she said, “Congratulations, you’re a woman.” Of course I was proud and eagerly awaited the next. But she never came for me. Primary Care Doctor turns to Specialist. Everyone knows but none of them really do. “It was likely something you ate,” one said. Years later, there was a period of about two weeks where my parents waited in suspense to find out whether or not I was fully a girl. Androgen insensitivity syndrome or, AIS.
My parents marriage always remained a mystery to me but I knew something was going on. Queer Theory was a foreign and unheard language in my Christian household. And I wonder how my father in particular would have adapted had the diagnosis been correct. My mother was born awoke. She understood that we know not the mysteries of God. That his thoughts are not our thoughts and thus the potential for how His love could take shape was boundless. Two weeks with the Gender Identity of her first born only worked to deepen her curiosity of the Divine.
My latest label, Premature Ovarian Failure. I have no period because I am in menopause. Supposedly. I couldn’t tell, faucets work just fine… At 25, still, she has not come for me. And where I once felt obsolete for baring baby-making hips and curves with the possibility of a childless future—unable to fulfill my “biological purpose” and “womanly duties”. “I was supposed to have”.. today I say, nah fuck that. If we are gonna keep it real, theres nothing pleasant about having a monthly cycle. From what other woman tell me, it can be a fucking nightmare. You poor poor, normal woman. You have my sentiments. I can’t imagine. Like I literally cannot imagine. Doctors tried. They really did try. Estrogen patches, progesterone pills, birth control. I can’t get with it. I just can’t. I’ve never been able to get on a routine with medicine and especially ones where I feel at a lose of control. My faith is that strong. I believe with all my heart and the hearts of my future children that they will be mine and I theirs.
Having children has been a lifelong desire. Lifelong. Not having, isn’t an option—Even if that just means adoption.
