Day 19: Loneliness
My relocation has taught me so much about myself. In isolation you get so far removed from the self that you know and meet someone completely different when it’s just you and the reflection. Some things you can’t deny are just you. In an effort to cope I have tried to adapt and in ways I have but I am a Village Kid— I need community.
I let myself cry about it today. Like really cry about it— hyperventilation and all. Gripping my pregnancy pillow for dear life. I’ve been interrogating myself with inquiry; Is there something wrong with being with just me? I ask myself.. No. there isn’t. I am crazy about myself, and enjoy spending time alone with my thoughts, but this connection has been recycled over and over again trying to make the days seem not so long. Theres only so many positive things you can feel in isolation (in my experience).
During quarantine it was just me and my cousin Simone. We are double related— meaning both of our parents married siblings. Our relationship is like that of fraternal twins. Within our circumstantial domestic-partnership I found that if I marry the right man I would thrive. I was designed for it. Theres something about having someone there to reflect off of, cook with, cry with, fight with, achieve with. I’ve been on my own for going on 6 years that time has been riddled with emotional ups and downs but there was always someone there to fill in the gap. My time alone has brought me to a place where I am practically forced to be completely dependent on God — lest I go insane. Being completely dependent is not a bad thing I feel, but it isn’t the easiest. I am someone who needs touch and Jesus I love you but…. I didn’t know until there was no one to touch or to be touched by. I need something to love on. Is that odd? Because it’s so natural to me, it just doesn’t seem right keeping all this love to myself. In the past I have struggled at my own hand by having loose boundaries with those I’ve kept close. Now the scale has tipped and theres no one to take from me. I wonder which is worse.
I need community. And I’m struggling to find it here, although I will say I haven’t done much leg work. I am experiencing a new kind of vulnerability — safety. Not to mention this foreign land (to me) is even more so because its inhabitants hold such a value to (and I am not kidding): beer, cheese, sausage, The Brewers, The Bucks and The Packers. It’s Wisconsin. I know theres a little tribe out here for me somewhere, I just haven’t found it yet. In regards to my safety, I am on foot, bike or bus. Milwaukee is such a hub for human trafficking that there are PSAs that play over the bus intercom’s in an effort to try to bring it to an end. But I know God didn’t bring me out here for that shit. Still.. Don’t be sorry hoe— BE CAREFUL.
All in all I am grateful. Beyond grateful, I am honored to have my territory expanded with the perfect (for me) apartment on the nice side of town. He really showed up and showed out for me. Even the opportunity itself was a blessing shrouded in favor. So why can’t I just keep that fact circulating and dismiss all of my sadness?
We are, who we are. We need what we need. And there is no shame in it.
