I have hosted a myriad of phobias. Some irrational, some planted, some sought-after. They have never served me, only hindered and manipulated my motion. I think I’m ready to let them go. Here is a list of every Fear I’ve ever had from as long ago as I can remember until now:
Professor Ratigan — Cartoon antagonist from, “The Great Mouse Detective”
The Devil
Going to Hell — I was raised third generation Pentecostal. I remember standing in the pew as a child while alter call was going. I can hear the pastor now, “If the clouds were to open up right now…”, and me, just a child conflicted, confused and anxiety riddled trying to recount my sins.
My mommy never coming home — My first room was in what I called the house tower. I had a bay window seat that allowed me to have a watch tower perspective of the street from my bed. I would lay and stare out the window for hours waiting for car light to come around the corner. Praying to hear the garage go up.
Being molested by uncles — I started watching Law & Order SVU as a child in elementary. Yes uncles are creepy but mine are not (mostly).
Feet — My older cool cousin, Mook, hated them. From the day I heard him express his utmost disgust I adopted the same. Even for my own. I even refused to wear sandals all the way through Middle School into High School
Snakes— The most interesting thing is I find them incredibly fascinating .But only from the safe distance provided from watching them on TV
The dark — This one is loaded. No I don’t have to have light on constantly, but my eyes have always played tricks on me.
Thinking I accidentally molested my cousin — As a small child (around 7) when my cousin, Kylen, was born I watched my auntie breast feed him. It was the first time I’d seen it up close without a covering. She then put him in my arms and walked away. Thinking it was what I was supposed to do I “pulled out” my extraordinarily flat chest and tried to do the same. I don’t even think the kids mouth touched me (there was nothing to latch on to). But immediately I felt as if I did something wrong and lived with the fear of being a child molester for years.
Being Gay — Seeing Girls Gone Wild as a child made me feel things I’d never felt before. I began a fixation with breasts on the television. This made me feel shame and confusion.
The Boogeyman — Disney’s, “Don’t Look Under the Bed” fucked me up
Under my bed — See number 11.
Parent-Teacher Conference — Oh the dread of PTC. I carried so many insecurities about my brain in elementary. School taught me how to compare myself. I wasn’t the fastest reader or writer and I wasn’t the smartest either.
Disappointing my father — His expectations were clear and not all at the same time.
Impregnating myself — The first time I did the mirror examination I poked myself (I use the word “poke” literally) and feared for days that I had gotten myself pregnant.
Being bullied for just being myself — Middle school was so hard for me. (To the point where it will likely get its own day) I wanted to be popular.. thus the problem.
Being original —Adolescent me feared the attention.
Public humiliation — of any kind.
Every demon from the “Insidious” universe — All of em.
The nun from the “Conjuring” — It was the green eyes for me.
Paranoia of being constantly surrounded spirits and demons— Maybe its all the horror I binged through the years. Maybe it’s the shift in energy I can feel. Maybe there are actually spirits everywhere.
A hand reaching from out my slightly ajar closet door — Perhaps its all the Horror movies, huh?
Contracting any STD — I mean, don’t we all
Someone being mad at me — To this day it is one of the worst feelings I’ve felt. I’ve avoided it for years now. For me its unbearable.
My brother being raped — I had an awful dream one time that never left me.
Sharks — I find them fascinating. I am an avid “Shark Week” fan but I don’t do oceans.. you can never be too careful
Deep water at night — I mean am I right?
Heights — Oddly enough I get a tingling feeling in my nether region when given the perspective of a fall-able height (airplanes not included).
That mommy was actually going to die when she got sick.
My brother being killed — I had an awful dream one time that never left me. I can’t even go into it right now.
The day my Granny dies — I prepare myself daily. I can’t be blind sided again like I was with my mom.
My teeth falling out — Irrotational? Maybe
Not being found attractive
Being Jilted(being broken up with suddenly) — It has certainly happened before
Going to Hell — I was taught how to judge myself and had to learn love myself
Violent rape
Kidnap and Sex Trafficking
Something behind me in the mirror when I close the medicine cabinet — Again.. maybe it’s all the Horror Movies?
My closet — See above
Going to Hell — Strongest of them all (No longer applicable)
Contracting HIV
Home invasion — Especially living alone
Living up to my potential
Persecution for following Jesus — It is what it is. He did give a pre-warning
Letting a man see my body and he find me disgusting
Never being able to have children
My future husband leaving me for being barren
Offending or hurting someone
Not being as great as I know I am
Me and my Husband ending up like my parents
Most of these fears I haven’t had a connection to in some time, but they were still present within me. Honestly, seeing it all laid out before me, I feel so much lighter.
