Day 36: Clearing my head

I wanted to have this 10 day long “mini-series” where I talked about all the heartbreak I’ve endured. I thought it would be good for me. The hurt that was fueling it was starting to atrophy. I haven’t been able to tap into the men of my past in my heart. When I write, I write freely. Theres an idea and but no real pre-planning. I sit in front of my laptop and let it flow. I wanted to spend 10 days releasing about the men of my past, and I haven’t been able to push past my first love. This process has revealed to me how the nature of my relationship with my first official boyfriend (directly after my first love) was something that fundamentally changed me.. and I didn’t know it. It’s hard to go back there— especially with a fine comb and a magnifying glass. But I developed my blindspots back then. I harnessed my weaknesses against myself back then. At first the hurt wanted 10 days to call these niggas on the carpet. But I must’ve forgotten who I was in that moment. One, I am someone who absolutely cannot maintain a fire. It takes a lot for me to get mad. Negative feelings of any kind are uncomfortable in my body and I try to get them out as fast as possible. I don’t know how I thought I was going to host a slow-burn for 10 straight days. Thats way too much energy for me in a short amount of time. And the truth of it all has to be process in bite size pieces for me. Once the I detail through my memories and the truth is exposed, that truth reveals my blindspots (my brain translates them to errors). Through it all while there was so much I thought would come out about my mistreatment, Its hard to isolate my part in it all and give it any kind of justification. I’m learning not to be so hard on myself. I’ve always been hard on myself. Setting expectations and pre-damning myself If I don’t follow through but then not being fully supportive to see it through. This very collection of Journals is the first time I have been consistent with something with solely the intent to purely benefit myself. That and when I decided to slim down for myself. With that I stuck to it while I was conveniently locked up during quarantine and there was nothing else to do. I release I like to feel good. I think we all do really. I reward myself with my simple pleasures but this year I want to reward myself with consistency. My auntie said that to me as we were crossing into the New Year and it was what I needed to hear. “The gift of consistency”. I have only been consistent in my blind pursuits of love. Those things must be addressed. But the areas around them are so very layered, but they need to be explored. A look through my journals from 2013-2015 and from front to cover all about love and a boy. I think I may transcribe them here if I can stomach it. It’s just so hard to believe that I was that girl. The one who surrounded herself with guy friends and loved boys unconditionally passed the point of a broken heart until it was shattered. The girl who sees red flags and bypasses them. This might be the first year ever where that doesn’t happen. Within the caliber of men I’ve concerned myself with, I’ve seen and felt enough. It’s always their own emotional damage that renders the torment in the relationship. But emotions are so fleeting. They are damaged and I am forgiving. They are damaged and I think I can fix them (subconsciously). Or, they are damaged and I call myself too good a woman for someone to hurt me intentionally—silly rabbit. It’s such a hard thing to do and look at, because I really only wanted love, nothing more. But now love is multi-faceted. Now love has a new depth, a new color, a new smell. Self-love is an acquired taste. It’s so easy to give to someone else. Love wells up in me and has to be poured out. Its hard to explain in a way that I think will translate but sometimes I get this urge where I have to tell someone I love them. If I sit with it too long then that unspread love turns to sadness and loneliness. I need a therapist but this journal is what I can afford right now. This is my echo chamber, but I’m letting the truth reverberate off the walls. The truth is hard. The truth will set you free. But healing is a consistent journey. It’s an energy sucking journey but it renders life back into you. So no matter what comes out of me when I write I’m just clinging to the love I have myself and just holding my hand through this shit. Trying to not let go and run when I get scared or stuck when I get tired. I need to push this shit through my system but force will not work in my favor. I think I fell into my trap again where I found an eye catching topic to write about but as soon as it began to feel unnatural I had to stop. I may write about S.A.R. tomorrow. I might not. We’ll see how I feel when I wake up in the morning.