Day 37: Agency
“I’m trying”. It’s a statement that rolls off my tongue so often and so easily that I don’t realize what I’m really saying when I say it. (Try- “to make an attempt or effort to do something”). I take issue with that statement and how I’ve let it run my mind. I often equate my “trying” to how badly I want something to work out but in reality there has been no ACTION to making it happen. “I’m trying to figure out..”, “I’m trying to get myself together..” “I’m trying to get out of this hole.” I am sick of those words—But what else to you do when you feel powerless? Alone? Isolated? You try.
But are you really doing anything?
“Trying” for me usually means I’m trying to muster the willpower to do it. “Do.” Thats a word I’d like to fully embody this year. “I don’t know, but I’m going to do __ about it.” I feel very alone in my situation. Not even because I’m in Milwaukee but because I don’t have someone feeding me the answers on what to do next. I can’t ask someone what I should do next. And I can’t wait on Morgan to try to figure out what to do next. I spend so much time in my head. So much time in my head. I can’t get out of my head even when I pray. I confuse myself between the voices, convincing myself that the 2 second turn around answer I just heard was God speaking to me. I’m ready to get out of my head and into my body.
My body cracks and pops a lot. I’ve felt stiff from stagnancy in recent times. My brain is active but if the body isn’t responding to those thoughts and ideas.. If they only make it out and onto a note space then how will you ever see them come into fruition. I have “genius moments” where like a lightbulb turning on, boom, there it is.. Thats the idea I’ve been waiting on.. it’s going to change everything. Theres a rush of dopamine followed by a series of visions of a distant future and then.. what? For me mostly nothing. Depends on how obtainable I feel it is and how my insecurities are set up at that time. All my life I’ve hated the ideas of boxes, labels and limitations but I’ve put them on myself. I’ve let the world and my understanding of it limit my own abilities. I seldom dream of becoming famous because when you’re famous you’re famous for something, not everything. You get put in a box, a praised box, but still a box. I don’t seek praises. I seek to have impact. I struggle with how to make it happen. But thats just because I’ve been thinking of it backwards —you don’t try to make an impact.. you be yourself and follow your calling and who its meant for is who its meant for.
Success is so subjective. My only true dream has no clear image but a state of being rather. I want to be at complete peace and understanding of what I was brought here to do, surrounded by love that I created (kids) and able to provide comfort and stability for myself and my family. The specifics I just can’t worry about. I just want the Joy, Peace and Comfort of the Lord. I’m seeking (almost typed trying) that right now. Adulthood is scary. What happens today can affect the 10 years of tomorrow— the reflections of my past this week have shown me that. What I do matters but what I don’t matters even more. If I don’t take action to reflect the changes I seek in my life then I’ll just be sitting here writing about it forever.
I just counted and on my Day One (journaling app) I have 50 different journals. All born from a “lightbulb” moment. Of 50, maybe 5 or 6 were really written in and they’re all labeled for huge chunks of time like “Q1 2020”, “My thoughts” or “My New Life”. Other journals with specific ideas have gone untouched after 1-2 entries or none at all. For example, “Van Life”. After my trip up North to shoot the stars gave me the grand Idea to convert and live in a Van after graduation. My “Music Ideas” journal is empty and so it “Rebranding. I love music and come up with beats and songs often but y’all don’t know that because I’ve put little to no effort into making something of my deepest desires. I have a vision for an app that I know would be helpful and make an impact. Building an app takes time, research and more importantly, getting out of my comfort zone. It’s intimidating, the idea of stepping into a territory I never felt was built for me (tech). But I have to keep in my heart why I do things. Not just for my own betterment or empowerment. Money has never been a motivator for me. I see it has an invaluable-value-less resource that as long as I have what I need when I need it, whether or not I have the money itself is less important. Chasing riches? Not my thing, but stability and simple luxuries are fine by me. But the money has been in the wrong hands for too long. People like me need to have money because all we’d do is figure out how to give it back. Money corrupts they say but my heart already has an owner.
I take so many actions to just make the plan but the plan doesn’t actually become a plan its just a stream of ideas and conversations with people I want to get approval from. Fuck that. Im sick of that. I keep forgetting who I am. What I’m capable of and the shit needs to stop. In this moment there is no dopamine rush. No feeling of “I’ve got it!”. Its time for me to just do. I’ve spent countless hours trying.
Time for change.
