Day 38: Nine Year Journal Archives:“The S. Chronicles”
8/6/13
She sits, she waits, she stops, sits, waits, stops, listens, waits, then stops again. She sits, she wonders, she cries,. She prays. "Why Lord? Why do things in life happen the way they do? Why do I always fall short? Why Lord? Father, do you hear me? It seems like no matter how much I pray no matter how long I'm on my knees, or how many tears go down my cheeks you do not hear me. I'm sorry if I'm being impatient father, but how long?! How long must I sit, wait, sit, wait, pray, think, sit and wait some more? You say ask and you shall receive, but I've been asking Father and yet I still, sick, wait, cry, think, say, wait, listen, wait, wait, wait and wait some more! At least tell me how long. Give me a sign. Are my efforts in vain? Do they go unnoticed? Do I spend my nights and days waiting for nothing to come? The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away but did you have to take this one away Father? Did he have to go? She said thanks and realizes it is not God who is to blame.
8/7/13
Moments turn to seconds, that turn to minutes, that turned two hours in days. Days to weeks to months time is yet a haze. We do not see the future but we live in the present hoping the past will go away. —Life— caught up ever so deeply in an unbalanced love. Balance, equality, equilibrium, actuality, same. A feeling that wants to be shared. My love. Expressed. To you. Given to you. And you alone. It's so not be questioned. We long for someone to love. Someone to call our own. Am I wrong? To give my love to you, to watch you dispose of it, and to react? Am I abnormal for the way that I feel, or am I just, a woman? Tell me, my love. Am I wrong for giving you my love? Am I full? To see such greatness in you and to desire to only add to it. Return it to me! Give it back? …No, no, it's yours. You keep it. But at least have the sincerity of a man and a true lover and give some in return. Make me not a slave. A slave to your false hopes and blind ambitions. Turn me loose, make me a full no longer. Infatuation was never an existence. Melodrama, I think not. Oversensitive am I? Maybe. In love with you. I am. Reality turn reality.
Why do we crave love? Why is it that we long for something to call our own? Why is it that we are not happy until we find a soulmate? Why can't we stand the feeling of being alone? Why is it that the thought of loneliness depressing to us? Love, it gives to the world to keep going on. When life presents you with flips and turns, what do we count on to get us through? Love. But why? What is it? In the world with billions of people and millions of options knowing that you are 1/1,000,000,000 does something for us. Knowing that it's you, you're the one, that strengthens us. You and you alone are in a position but not another person on this earth has. We, as humans are born into the world and complete, hoping, searching, looking for the other half be the one that will make your asshole. We need love. We need to feel love, taste love, touch love and hold love. It is our nature and it is the one thing that keeps us going every day.
It's crazy, the love I once had for you, has yet to dissipate. It's still waits for the love you once had for me. My heart still beats to yours. And although I do not know how you feel about me, or even if you do still love me, I love you. I wake up every morning and you were there. The first thing I think about each day is you. Every night I dream about you. I dream of talking to you again, being held by you again. I dream of our love being revived. Every day I pray "Father, bring him back to me." "Father how long?" "God, I know it was meant to be, how come I wait so long?" Every week I sit back and watch as you "do you", and as selfish as it may seem, it hurts. I desperately wish it didn't, but it does. It leaves me with thoughts like, "Why didn't you ask me?”. "What have I done?” But deep down none of the things you do make a difference in how I feel about you. I still love you. What can I do, but wait? Nothing. I realize the fault in my past doings and have made adjustments. I'm ready to be yours once again. I'm ready, to be your lady again. I want to be your lover, for the first time. To connect with you, to become one. To be your wife, to bury your children and son, “Maison” , "M" for his mother, and a daughter "Sloan”, “S” for her father. I long to grow elderly with you. To be by your side. How long?! Must I lay alone at night begging God to "Please God return my love to me, father please! "I wait growing impatient growing weary, security weakening. Hope, is becoming is lost. No one can ever question my loyalty to you. I am single, however I am not on the market, men, they come in yet I have nothing to offer them. I would be of no use to them. I am taken. Who is ___? I do not know this woman. I don't know a thing about her. However I do know that you are together a great deal of time. Who is she to you? You told me she was your friend, and I suppose those activities you were engaged in together were “friendly”, however her existence in your life annoys me for some reason. I'm probably just jealous. But Holiday Park? That was our spot. Little things like that hurt my feelings, and I really wish they didn't. But you're not doing anything wrong, you have no obligation to me. You don't have to put my feelings into consideration, or even think about me. But you know, it would be really nice if you did. And then again, I'm probably just trippin.
What do I know? I'm just a fool in love.
