Day 40: Why I chose to follow Jesus

Today was a seamless day. I’m getting into a new normal. A new healthy normal— one structured and moved about with intention. It feels so good. This week I started spending intentional time with God right after I wake up. I just sit naked on my bed and be as honest with where I’m at as possible.. it feels good to be transparent. I’ve been listening to my bible while I get ready and playing worship music while I prepare breakfast. It’s such a palette cleanser and provides me with sustainable for the day. There is only one reason for this seamless day, this new found joy and the acceptance of self— Jesus.

When meeting new people I never lead with my “Christian” status. I use quotes because the word itself is just so heavy and laden with so many different connotations. It’s a box. I hate boxes. I also feel like the word provokes character assassination. I am Morgan before I am a Christian.. but I am a follower of Jesus of Nazareth before anything else. And although I was born into the church, today it is a conscious choice that I make daily. I take serious issue with the how many who have branded themselves with the label of Christian go about “spreading the good news.” I’ve watched as pressure and judgment have been applied in order to bring people to God.. or not even that but plant fears of Hell to scare them into loving Christ. Which doesn’t make a lick of sense because if its love will you feel it out of fear? That was my introduction to God. And it only further separated me from finding truth for myself and delayed my growth. I was too caught up trying to make sure my actions were perfectly aligned with the shortlist of what not to do (not even commandments). I am human and I fall short daily, how can I ever be saved if the fait of my souls lies on the merit of my actions? If that were the case then we’d all be fucked. Our good deeds are as filthy rags when juxtaposed to that of the heavenly places. For years I struggled with condemnation, fear and shame. It was uncomfortable. I remember being at an alter call some years ago and I was seeking the Holy Spirit. In the church I was raised in the only evidence of having the holy spirit is to speak in tongues [False]. On my knees I cried out, “I’m not worthy! “I’m not worthy!”. As if I were worshiping some far-off God that delighted in my self degradation. FALSE. BACKWARDS. UNTRUE. Thats not love. God doesn’t want anyone to be scared or pressured into loving Him.. would you?

Contrary to popular belief, my favorite thing about having chose to know Jesus for myself was that I get to be myself. When I wanted to experiment with my sexuality and have my “hoe phase”, I consulted with him about it.. Like, look.. This is just where I’m at right now and this is what I want.. I ask you to be there with me. Operative word in that sentence is WITH. I never want to be separate from God, thats scary. When I’m in my mess I take Him with me. I’m supposed to cut a fool and isolate myself from God? How does that work. But I had to truly have it it embedded in my heart what He meant when he said he would never leave or forsake me. That means, we in this thang together, bonded till the world blows and ever after. But to have a genuine love for the almighty means I don’t take that for granted. Grace is not a get out jail free card that you swipe every time you wanna go do you with no intent to change. Thats taking advantage.. not love. When I smoke and tap into Him and it just hits different. Some would say it’s backwards, I would argue that it’s medicine made by His hand. I can’t think of an act that I would want to carryout without divine supervision. It’s not like you aren’t under constant observation as it is. You can’t hide anything from God. The only one getting lied to is yourself.

I know in my heart that I have been separated from all I know and love because He’s been wanting to get alone with me and I Him. And it has been wonderful, illuminating and liberating. Obedience is so crucial, and the thing is its custom. Whats for the next might not be for you and vice versa. To obey instruction is to put the ball into play. The plan has been pre-made for you boo. There is a reason why you are being told to do or not do something, it’s all for your betterment. Engraving it in my heart that God is good and “good” is a noun and not an adjective. All things work for the good of those who love the Lord. That means my house fire in high school worked out for my good. My parents divorce worked out for my good. Being sexually assaulted worked out for my good, my mom passing when she did worked out for my good in a major way. Or it may help some else which is for my good! I don’t have all the answers but my faith is strong and so is my trust for the Lord’s intentions for me.

I don’t care what anybody says Jesus is for everybody. And I say that meaning that Jesus loves everybody. You choose to rock with who you rock with but don’t let any self-righteous, judgmental, ass-backwards, Sister So-and-So convince you that you are unworthy of the love of God and the freedom of truth. Gay, Pansexual, Transexual, Two-Spirit, Queer.. whatever color you bare, Jesus loves you and will take you as you are. I think it’s disgusting how the church has drawn lines that are separating whole souls from connecting to something that might be just what they needed all along. It’s not fair and it’s not right. I had to shake off my judgemental preconceived notions about who was worthy and who wasn’t. I’m no different than anybody else, my shit just stinks differently then yours does.

Another lie I had to conquer was that I needed to do the work to change whatever was needed in me before God would step in..FALSE. I am weak and draw all my strength from Christ. He’s just waiting for you to hand over the wheel. You grow together. Anything in need of changing or releasing, you do it TOGETHER. And guess what it doesn’t happen over night. And guess what.. thats okay. And when you fall short there is no shame but only love. Again, He’s already hip. But submit yourselves to His will and His way and let it flow through you. Ask for him to empty your vessel of impurities and make a dwelling place in your heart and He’ll do it. But you have to be open to it, you have to surrender.

Confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that Jesus is the only begotten son of God who died and rose again so that we may have eternal life and eternity is yours. Of course that is just my take on reality and you may have your own take. You have to respect differences to be able to connect to people. You can’t just shove your truth down another’s throat. Spirituality is a personal journey. But I will say, that making that choice for myself was the BEST decision I have ever made and ever will make. It’s so real to me, I encourage all to give Him a test run. Try Jesus for 30 days and see how your life changes. Theres no subscription fee and you get a eternity long membership— might be nice.. Just sayin.