Day 41: Knocking
I just got home from my first date with myself since I’ve been in Milwaukee. I took myself to see Kanye’s new documentary, “Jeen Yuhs” and dare I say I walked out feeling inspired. Theres a lot that can be said about Kanye and his arrogance, something he said, did, who he married, his mental state.. (whatever).. The film is part 1 of a trilogy and gives an in depth and intimate perspective of Ye as he was trying to break out of the producer box and gain respect as an MC in the early 2000s. I don’t want to say too too much but in short you’re just watching someone with raw talent and ability press towards what they know they’re worth. And I mean PRESS. If you knew you had something to offer why wouldn’t you knock at every door available to you till you get to where you need to be? Seeing Donda West on film and witnessing the sacredness of their bond was cathartic for me. The way she believed in him and how she poured into him from day one. “Kanye” means “only one”, she must’ve known from birth he baby was a star. My mother named me,“Morgan Chandler” for “Great Light”…I wonder what she saw in my eyes the first time we met.
I’ve had words of empowerment, reassurance the promises of God poured over me my entire life. However, my confidence was cut down in middle school and I’m only just now truly shaking off what remains of the poison spat at me (I actually did have a white girl spit on me once, but that was in elementary). I can’t help but wonder how much further along I’d be or how different my life would be if my confidence was unshakable when I walked through the valley back then. Can’t think too much on it because I am where I am now and everything that has ever happened to me has landed me where I’m at now. I’m happy and content now but there is greatness in me that needs to be unleashed. I’ve always known it. I have that thing, something about me I can’t put my finger on but its there. However, I can’t find a more unattractive attribute someone could have then arrogance. It’s a turn off for me when meeting someone. In an effort to not be that way I think I adapted the opposite end of the spectrum but to a fault and it’s time I get out of that. Sabrina Nelson introduced me to “her guy” (thats what she always refers to him as), he’d seen my Detroit Performs set and started to compliment me and speak highly of me and said he wanted to continue conversation at a later time. In an effort to show meekness I shot it down and said, “Oh, I’m just a black girl..”, immediately he pushed back in a stern voice and said “You are not just a black girl.” I don’t even know why I said that, I don’t even believe it, I know it’s not true. But for some reason (that I really need to start investigating) I have always struggled taking compliments that didn’t have to do with my looks. For a long time I centered my worth on what I could be for other people. I’ve crowned myself for knowing how to truly love another person. But I know the most valuable of the treasures that reside within me have yet to come into fruition. These very Journals may be a part of it. I have a voice worth listening to, this I know. But I’m still examining what it was meant to say… (Maybe stop examining and open your damn mouth.)
Say what you want about Kanye the man set out to pave a way and that he did. Confidence truly is the key. Arrogant, I will never be. The type of attention arrogance gets you, even if that be fame, I’m not after. I do not seek to be praised by the masses, but I would like to be able to pour into the masses. All this love I have in my heart wasn’t meant to be reserved for whatever man I’m into in the moment. Truth is I really like myself as a person.. I got that thing and I should walk and talk like I know I do. Officially adding “confidence” to my shortlist of changes to embody this year. My pastor, Steven Furtick, titled his sermon, “Don’t stop knocking”, this week. As in don’t stop seeking the Lord and pressing towards your blessing. It planted a seed in me to submerse myself in my word and not leave God alone until he touch me. Watching the film tonight water another seed planted in me a long time ago, one that I will not reveal in words but will just keep knocking until I find myself at that door. Time will reveal & bring it into fruition.
