Day 5: Twinnem
I have a question for you. A rather intrusive request.
What is it like to be you?
How does it feel in your being to host yourself.
Do you have a relationship with yourself?
Are there one of you ,or two? —(If you understand what I mean by that, perhaps we could get tea.)
Am I the only one who feels like they host two of themselves within their body or brain? —Your default answer could be that I am crazy; followed by my immediate discreditation and that is more than okay.
—We’re all a little mad here.
The scariest movie concept I have ever seen was Jordan Peele, “US”. Of all the things to fear while existing: animals, people, natural disasters, goblins, ghosts and ghouls, the thing I fear most is myself. Once on a shroom trip I stared in the mirror just to see if my face would change into something or someone else. Luckily for me my spirit passed the vibe check. Nevertheless, a fucking doppelgänger? Evil Jimmy? A physical representation of my self-destruction? — Hard pass.
But then again, maybe it would be harder to fight your demons if they weren’t already inside you. A fragmented sense of self helps pass the time by. Two is company. Why are people made to feel crazy for talking to themselves? I mean, do you not think? Deja sent me a video of a woman who said she doesn’t have an audible voice in her head. Silence. Nothing. She reads words with understanding and not to herself.. (-The nigga was too shook to speak-). I cannot define another’s experience but only be awestruck in fascination. I hope she finds this one day and answers my above questions because, sis, we would love to know.
Part of my love language to myself is to be flexible with filling as many roles for myself as I need. I’ve been on my own since I was 20 and my biological adaptation was to fragment myself in an effort to stay sane. Did that sentence undermine itself? Perhaps sanity is in the mind of the possessor.
I feel crazy all the time. By definition I am not.. As I am typing, I’m realizing that my sense of crazy is just insecurity welling up.
What are you insecure about?
.. I don’t know. I guess I just want to do the right thing.
How can the one who asks the question, answer it? See, a touch mad.
Vulnerability is crucial. We must find a way to all come to agreement and normalize not just some of our experiences but ALL of them. Empathy will set us all free. There are not 7.8 billion unique beings. If we think about it we all have more in common than we differ. Are we not a species? It’s all in the heart and in the mind. The borders and barriers we place for ourselves in our minds manifest outwardly with ripple effect. To refuse empathy on the grounds of differentiation? It’s absurd. I stand firmly on keeping it a buck, especially here on my own platform. I have no shame, I have no reason to hide. I have no fear of opinion. Why? Myself and I had a conversation and we said fuck it, I got nothing to loose. You have no idea how sharing can help set another free until you do it. When all you’re doing is just trying to figure it out and navigate your way, the last thing you should be worried about is what a motherfucker has to say about your relationship with yourself.
You are not crazy.
