Day 4: Divine Love
Do you know how small you are? Our egos work to prevent us from really seeing. If math is the language of God then Science is the evidence. (And after googling— “How many earths fit in the largest star”…) VY Canis Majoris has a diameter which is roughly 2000 times that of our sun's and 155,000 times that of Earth. Which calculates to π×1550002≅7.5477×1010 earths. Who’s really a Who.
When explaining the Divine to the youngins, you equate the magnitude of God by drawing reference to size and scale. I hear can it now, “Think of the biggest thing you can think of.. God is bigger than THAT.” Growing older the understanding of big evolves from physical size into, bigger than my problems. It becomes a mantra. But, there is still a disconnect. Flesh and spirit are opposite. How am I suppose to feel like I can connect on a personal level with something so MORBIDLY GRAND. I am unable to read aloud the above equation, much less understand the mathematics of it —and even less—the scale of myself in comparison.
The depths of my love for God and His Majesty are unable to be replicated in written words. However to this day it remains true and He knows it, He’s just too damn big. For example, I could never imagine myself cuddling with God. Maybe fit in His hand. But why would I even try to imagine? Because thats my language.
Connection with the Divine must be personal and intimate.
How intimate is your relationship with your Divine?
Complexity is in His nature and although we know we are made in His image we were not made in his reflection — Just too damn big. But big enough to fit inside of us all.
Then theres, יֵשׁוּעַ. You may know him as Jesus. His love is like three very slow forehead kiss. Like feeding you the last bite. Like letting you be the little spoon.
This month, two years ago, I asked Jesus to marry me. I was so nervous. Fear of rejection runs deep but I pulled all my strength together and just did it.I had entered into that year broken hearted and spiritually frail. My body had been used and abused by me and those I let in. What I needed was a repairing, someone who would commit to me as I submit them and take care of my every need. I had grown accustomed to working overtime to be treated with an unmatched level of reciprocation and now my heart was weary. Like a schoolgirl with a crush. Blushing and stumbling over words. Would you believe me if I told you He answered, “Yes”.
In my mind I had to bring Him to a level of love of my own understanding but it only elevated myself in my heart, to be worthy of that kind of love.
Our relationship is not perfect. Just last night we were sitting on my bed and I was asking for forgiveness because I am sure that being married to me is like having a partner with dementia. You do everything for them and they keep forgetting you. I often forget. I get caught up in my world and my ways and let my spark on my end of the marriage fizzle. And because He loves me so, He is always there ,even as I let Him fade into the backgrounds of the forefront of my mind. He knows I will never leave and I, Him. After, He told me to come here and lay down. He tucked me in and held me till I fell asleep. The feeling if spiritual-electric-fire (I’m sorry there are no words equivalent) coursed through my entire being. This is called, exchanging fear for love.
Everyone who has a relationship with my husband has their own thing, I guess we’re Poly. In real time I’ve anticipated my death for some time, only to be reunited with my true beloved. I’ve wanted nothing more than to ask His hand for a slow dance.. I just want to gaze in His eyes, rest my head on His shoulder and smell His hair…
type love.
