Day 56: Four days until the circle of life is complete.
Due to reasons that surpass my understanding, this season of grief has been the least turbulent in all the five years we've spent without her. It's years like this where I understand just how powerful and how deep the peace of God is. I've only wailed and cried once this season. Yesterday at work, I did have a minor instance that almost broke my composure, but it was short lived. I leave one of her special (to me) bottles of perfume on my shelf at work. It's a very comforting smell and takes me back to when everything was all right and the future was all bright, 2004 —Donna Karen’s,“Be Delicious”. I forgot that I took it home and when I got to work and went to get it and it wasn't there my heart shook a little. This was right before class was about to start. I took myself to the bathroom calmed myself down with breathing, let one tear fall, reassured myself that it wasn't lost or stolen and kept it pushing. The one full on breakdown I had was induced by heavy stress from work and feeling overwhelmed. Those are usually the feelings that bring about laborious grief for me. Moments when I feel alone, moments when I know her presence would make a difference. But in that moment God gave me a friend so that I wouldn't have to go through it alone, thank you Deja. She just sat there with me and gave me the space to let it out as I clutched her little black box of ashes for dear life.
Considering the nature of my proximity away from all that I know and those who have been a comfort to me, one would think that it is in a time such as this that I would be met with my undoing—quite the opposite. My home is my home. My home is a place of peace, its my spiritual fortress and humble dwelling space. I have had friends check in on me and even visit (thank you Erada) and I couldn't ask for more. I've kept in constant communication with my Granny, just to have someone to reminisce with and to bring her comfort. Mark is doing well and we are in a similar space. Theres just no room for overt sadness this year. This is my first year spending her birthday completely alone, but there's just nothing to be sad about. She prepared us well in the womb for a time such as this…Also look at the world right now. Do you really think we're gonna be here much longer? I've always said that I would've rather lost my mother the way that I did rather then to Covid. That's just the truth. Her passing was such a sacred and pivotal point in my life, and I would have it no other way. Transitioning on your birthday is some divine G shit. I wouldn't even have her back on this rapidly deteriorating planet if I had the choice. But the amount of love I have received — not measured by the amount of people, but the sincerity of those who have reached out to me is priceless. This morning I got a text message from Alayah who was there with me through the dark hours five years ago and there after. She remembers like I do. She was changed by that moment like I was. Her presence there was a matter of life and death for me. And we are bonded by that time forever. I will tell you the story, but not today.
Now we will continue with my mother story…
“I've always seen the world from a different vantage point than most. Never held captive by time or space, I lived a life at my own pace. My gifts and knack for interior design were no secret. When I was 12, I painted my first furniture set and often rearrange the furniture in the living room. My love of all things creative later found an outlet in master floral and interior design. However, conceived of my union to Mark Bouldes in 1990, my greatest masterpieces came in the forms of Morgan Chandler and Mark Steven.
Morgan is like an eagle. She always told me that although I was letting her fly, I was still holding onto her wings. I held on for the enjoyment of the ride. I held on so that I could see what she sees and learn what she learns. I still close in case she lost her breath. I held on for her and for me! She is more brave, more powerful, more resilient, more adventurous and smarter than I've ever been.
I dreamed about Mark before he was ever conceived. He is the piece to my carrots. He's the one who hears my heart when I have no words. He's always reaching for my face and searching my eyes to gauge my being. He is kind, smart, charming, selling and thoughtful. There is no distance that keeps my heart from loving him – my little inspiration.
My passion for people could be seen through the bonds forest with those I helped through my social work. I never like the idea of an abuse victim not having a friend to lean on when they finally decide to take that first step. Who would have the broken child and remind them that they were special, pour into them, and create a safe haven while navigating foster care? It was his heart – felt tugging that led me to obtain a bachelors degree in science and psychology with honors from Indiana Tech in 2011.”
To be continued…
