Day 85: I decided I love you & I need you.

I was so bogged down and stressed out— all by my own hand. I placed all of these expectations on myself, and for who? – Me. But why? I don't know. I can't say why. I began to drive myself away from the very thing that was helping keep me together. Putting an unrealistic writing quota on myself. (Haven’t talked about unrealistic expectations before?) I forgot why I made the space in the first place. I need it. I felt so lonely again, when I don't use my voice I feel like a pearl whose been forced back into her clamshell. Maybe that's my own defense mechanism? -Self isolation. My default is bad for me. It's good to be self-aware though.

This is my space. Closing it to myself only brought me grief. But I was afraid, that this love was actually toxic and was hurting my body— nonsense. I just need balance. But as of yesterday my life has officially changed for this foreseeable future. And today I just needed to talk to a friend about it. So here I am. I've decided I have something to say. I've decided that I have to fight, I've decided that I can't do it alone. I've decided that I need you. I can't promise that I'll be there every day, but I will when I can. I'm just trying to get it all figured out right now..

Would you like to come back in? I got some tea on the stove…

-M