Day 86: Here it is
In honesty and truth my world is being shaken up right now. Just questions on top of questions, from the questions that I already had questions about. There's a very deep-rooted peace, but it's suspended below the chaos of my brain trying to process it all. I suppose I should let you know what "it all" is…
Earlier in the year, I mentioned that I didn't have a menstrual cycle. This is something that I've always been incredibly insecure about and at the same time, after seeing the suffering of other women of clothes, something I've been very blessed to not have to experience regularly (I suppose). There's a give-and-take. I have always wanted children, nothing quite as much...On Friday I took two buses to get to the Rheumatic Disease Center up in Bayshore. The second bus was completely empty. It was cold, windy, cloudy and rainy. The Light of the Seven, a song paired with a scene from Game of Thrones where impending doom (that only a few knew of) was on the horizon. My walk through the parking lot was alone— no one coming in, no one walking out. Somehow my steps synced up perfectly with the changes in the music. (All I could think about was good writing material this moment was.) I envisioned the series of shorts I could developed based off my life. Because that's when my life is— a movie. But for who's entertainment? I genuinely thought I was done with my share of life-changing news. Sounds silly right? Why would I expect to go through the remainder of my life pain-free at 25? It sounds cynical but it's just true, trouble has a way of meeting with us all eventually. And for some of us, every ounce of that trouble works for our good. And for some of us, the good within or surrounding the bad can be recognized before it is understood. I'm working on that right now.
My symptoms have been growing more present. My right hand mobility is fluctuates in capability and mobility. Some of my knuckles are beginning to round out. I feel changes in my feet. Energy is precious now. Steps are calculated. Walking may include a slight limp. Something was going on and I suppose I am happy for an answer and I suppose I am happy for a plan of action. But I just wasn't expecting all of this and all of this right now. I'm 25 years old, I've never had a recurring menstruation cycle, I'm anemic (which makes perfect sense because I'm perpetually freezing) and I have an auto-immune disease. I'm also an Artist with arthritis. The one thing we're all told to fear to fear, for it's the death of our career (they say). And being that the body is one connected organism— my research shows that the two are potentially. I wonder what came first — the Chicken or the Egg?
What am I supposed to do with all of this right now? —I don't know. I'm still processing. I come from a churchgoing family of course the consistent theme is “God is a healer”,(True) “Be encouraged”,(Don’t tell me how to feel), “This is just so God will get the Glory” (Sounds sadistic), “don't fall into despair.”(My process is my process.) I was also raised to not “claim”. “Don’t claim it.” Those words are so heavy and confusing. Confusing, because before I found out I wasn't “claiming” (By which that was my outwardly spoken language) and I seemed to be able to move around easier. Since finding out, I'd be lying if I didn't say I haven't spent most of my weekend in bed. I'd be lying if I said I haven't cried more this weekend than I have in a while. I'd be lying, if I said my inner fire to fight with words has started to dim. In my heart of heart of hearts I know that it will all make sense one day. But today, right now. I just don't know. And that's just where I'm at right now. I have so many questions. Like why right now when I'm completely alone and only have myself to take care of me. Will that work in making me stronger? Because the loneliness makes me weak. It's so hard to be strong for yourself, and it's so fucking ironic that I'm trying to be strong for myself while my body is actively fighting me. But I am not the first to go through this and I am not the last. I also am incredibly blessed to have found out when I did, because if I would have waited a second longer, I'm afraid of where I would be. Overuse of my fingers makes them swell and sore and the resting shape of my right hand is already beginning to bend more than my left. It's scary, it's hard to process. In my heart of heart of hearts there is faith. And that faith is so vague it's just holding out for the good to come. I have no faith that I will not face challenges in life. Having faith doesn't mean that the bad things don't come it's just an intentional energy shift when they do. But this is not one of those, “let-me-just-cast-my-cares-on-the-Lord-and-let-him-work-it-out -while-I-just-stand-still” type of problems. I have to fight. I stepped into active duty this weekend. Been a soldier but now im feeling more like warrior. I was gifted waistbeads from Ghana from Miyoshi and Deja fit them to me. I felt like I was having my war regalia placed on me. I have to fight for myself. If I want to be well it's gonna take work. Diet and exercise Will become key for me. My blood work shows that I am lacking in nutrition. I need a lot of work. There's so many moving pieces to just one life.. It's no wonder as humans we identify ourselves by our struggles and the things we were able to overcome. The shit ain’t easy.
Y'all pray for me though, send me some love, I'll take all the good external energy I can get
-M
