Day 12: OMG, that was rape.(Trigger Warning)
Muscle memory is a motherfucker. It’s been a long day for me. I got up at 4:30 this morning to finish up my lesson for class today. Class let out at 3 and its wind down time. Hit all the lights. Gonna take a nap before dinner time. I’m laying on my couch —now pay attention because the position matters— I’m on my back with my left arm (next to couch) up above my head on the pillow. My knees are bent, my legs open and my right hand is resting on my stomach. I’m beginning to doze off. It all happened so fast. I’m tossing and turning my head and when I turn to my right side (facing away from the couch), 2 waves hit me, one right after the other: the urge to masturbate, followed immediately by a sick pit in my stomach and disgust. Curious as to where such a feeling would spring from, I sat with it and let it play out. Like blurring vision becoming clear, I tried to find the root.
I was back in my loft. The first one. Laying just like I just am now on my infamous white couch. I see pants unzipping and red plaid boxers walking toward me. And then suddenly, theres a penis in my mouth.
Muscle memory is a motherfucker. I had forgotten all about that night. And it’s just now knowing what due to age and experience (and it not being my only) that that was rape.
I let him watch as I touched myself. The only company I invited were eyes. That nigga put his dick in my mouth. The sad part is I wasn’t informed of my human rights and went along with it, just to not ruin the moment and waited till later to say my peace. And peaceful it was. Casual was the accountability. I don’t remember what all was said, I just remember it started with “Oh..”. But even then, all I could express was that just wasn’t what I was trying to do. I did not have the knowledge to say, “No motherfucker you don’t do that. EVER. TO ANYONE..no matter what past you shared.”
Don’t worry about me, I am fine. Now that I’m so far removed and so settled its just like.. damn (smh). But it’ll never happen again thats for damn sure — shoulda bit the shit off.
Damn, don’t y’all hate when you go to listen to some music and you got a Deadphone?
