Day 3: Whips and Chains Excite Me.
TRIGGER WARNING
The first time I saw intimacy between two women was in the cover of night. In secret and in Awe. My first and only one night stand.
—I was only 5.
Girls Gone Wild changed my life. And like a stranger you never forget, I may not remember the women in entirety, but I will never forger how they made me feel. They were blonde. Thats all I know. I still remember the feeling, because the feeling never left. Something changes in you when you discover porn for the first time. There is an awakening that happens. All these new sensations pop up, and your little body doesn’t know how to handle it. Feeling pleasure for the first time. It stirs up complications, questions and for me, shame and anxiety. Shame and anxiety are for the daytime but in the cover of night, once a discovery turned fascination blossoms into an addiction.
It was a healthy sexual experience with a woman that broke my secret addiction to lesbian porn. Would you like to hear the story? (comment below)
I’ve had vices ranging from Coca-Cola to a human being. A more illusive stronghold was my taste for the Macabre. My interest peaks at the uncanny, supernatural or horrific. Growing up, although I was afraid, it never stopped me from seeking out horror movies. I was particularly drawn to movies involving spirits and demons. Being raised in the church you are taught that you are spirit that is constantly being affected by the spiritual realm around you. It was enthralling searching through the works of different directors who could give, (what I felt), was the most accurate depiction of what real demons and spirits look like. However, I have found that the real demons in your life will never show their face…
As I got older, my fascination with the human experience and the psychological implications of human suffering only deepened. Along with my understanding of the variety of evils inhabited on this planet and their ability to alter the human psyche and spirit. A little over a year ago I was introduced to a youtube channel that my system reacted to like a drug itself. Soft White Underbelly, by Mark Laita, is a collection of filmed interviews. These interviews are conducted out of a privately owned studio in Skid Row, LA. The studio space is a safe space for those living in the Skid Row area (and other locations in the US) to be paid to share their stories. Interviewees range from, prostitutes, drug addicts, pimps, sex offenders, tricks, escorts, gangsters, trafficking survivors.. and the list goes on. Some of the stories shared had never been told before to anyone, ever. You can and cannot imagine the experiences that some of these people have had. Most have been sexually abused as children. (TW) For reference to the graphic nature of the videos there is one story in particular that will never leave me. A woman named Latoya, born of incest in Louisiana who was then working as a prostitute said that all she new her whole life was “fucking , sucking, in the butt, all that.” She mentioned that in elementary school she was assaulted so badly and frequently that she had one continuous hole from her vagina to her anus. Something broke in me hearing those words and watching her say it. Man has the ability to carry out the most unspeakable acts. Vengeance is the Lord’s and I don’t believe in cursing people but in that moment I wished a horrible death upon the man that did that to her (and I still do.).
Why is it that we absolutely can not help but look at a car wreck? I have tried, I have, but I can’t resist. In 2010 when our townhouse burned down people stood outside from the start of the flames to dampened smoke. We can’t resist a tragedy — even if we mean well in our hearts. For a year I binged their traumas and deep shames. I began to feel a connection to the channel. They have pain, I have pain. They’ve been through it, me, not as bad so I find safe space in their vulnerability— silently comparing my own addictions and using their stories as leverage to convince myself that I could be worse – a shameful practice. The Children of the Night. Those who are bound by addiction, their addictions grew to be mine. But not without consequence. You don’t hear about about child rape without visualizations that don’t haunt you. There is a a price to pay to the delight in the pain of others. The delight is in the inability to look away, to take the vulnerability of another and entertain yourself with it and keep coming back for more.
But I wasn’t unscathed. After a year with the countries top broken hearted, I wasn’t feeling well in my spirit. My overall light was affected and I could not figure out why. Because I had to the option to close my laptop and go bed at the end of the interview that meant that I was at a safe distance from it all.. But why do I feel so.. dead. Seeking God revealed one answer— I had grown to become addicted to pain and it was killing my spirit.
I took a good look at my Netflix account, nothing but true crime. Documentaries on cults and serial killers. The latest David Attenborough on how we’ve fucked ourselves even further with the planet. All tethered to pain. And all tethered to my own.
Abolish SHAME.
What addiction have your overcome?
Note to the comment section: All comments are moderated. Absolutely no hate in my space. Your voice is welcome here.
