Day 2 | pt. 2 |: Emergence
Have you ever been transformed? Felt rejuvenated? Had a personal enlightenment?— It is a strange phenomenon. There is not just one experiential definition, but endless. We are all constantly evolving and when we shed the skin of our before, the feeling settles differently in us all. The feeling I feel today is as if scales have been pulled from my heart and suddenly I can breathe again. I have to ask myself, just how bad was I?
I would like to offer context:
The small portion of the world that has been a witness to my journey over the past few years, through the peephole of social media, has gotten bits of a narrative following a woman who looses her mother , defy’s the odds of grief and goes on to obtain her Master’s Degree. A degree courtesy of the “illustrious”, “mid-western jewel”, Cranbrook Academy of Art [not a jab, per-say ]. Our heroine, then receives what would be considered the opportunity of a lifetime for a recent graduate and is relocated by way of a new teaching position, and she lived happily ever after. Right?
The Lord giveth and taketh away. A new posting is granted but proximity to the familiar is stripped. I am no stranger to being relocated. In 25 years I have moved 16 times. I suppose I was never meant to be stagnant.
An even stranger phenomenon is the undoing power of isolation —slowly revealing the complexity of self identity and bringing it all to question. While my unravelling was not pushed to the point of “redruM”, buried in the deafening silence of my solitary was the undercurrent for the perfect storm:
Fear: The Reason for the Season.
Fear for my physical safety. My thoughts say: I could get snatched up at the bus stop and trafficked. I live on the first floor what if someone breaks in through the window. Can’t trust anybody, shouldn’t trust anybody, don’t trust anybody. Fear of the unknown. I need to know what’s going to happen next. I have to be able to make it happen myself. Fear of potential. I’m afraid i’ll loose relevancy. I don’t have any ideas. I don’t have the energy. Fear in being alone. I’ve been told my entire life, “You are not alone”, okay, yes, but, in this moment, I am a-l-o-n-e. There is no one here but me. No one waiting for me at home. No one to cook for. No one to touch me. No one to take care of me and no one to take care of. Fear of aging. This is all too much and I am not ready. It’s not fair that I’d don’t have a mom. I still need help. Fear of letting go. Fear of moving forward. Fear of being forgotten. Fear of the sound of my own voice. Fear of being a fraud.
Soil that has been tilled in Fear is soil able to harvest Addiction— But we’ll save that for tomorrow.
Who do you become when faced with yourself? — is it not who you’ve been all along?
